Idle Time

 

It's been a month since school ended and The Coach and I walked away from the little private school in Reserve. From what we can gather, they were kind of expecting him to -- maybe even hoping he would. My departure surprised them, apparently.

Since then, I've tried to keep myself busy.

I've freed up a lot of hangers by cleaning out a lot of red and blue clothing in our closet.

I've rearranged our daughter's bedroom and turned it into a mermaid lair.

I rearranged my bedroom.

I found spaces in my home office for all my blue accessories from school.

I've worked on my tan in my finally-blue- again pool.

I've scooped out a bunch of stuff from the Chinese Tallow tree.

I rearranged the stepping stones.

I've carried my little blind and almost deaf poodle, Pepper, in and out to pee and cleaned up a lot when I didn't get to him in time.

I've given both of my dogs lots of treats.

I've watched a lot of baseball and written a couple of game recaps and feature stories for the Baton Rouge Rougarou (my summer gig).

I've binged a few shows and watched a few movies.

I've tried to finish this one damn book.

There have been a few naps.

I've continued my workout routine (go me!) and increased my plank time.

I'm doing some tutoring.

I made a little trip to Natchitoches for the Louisiana Sports Hall of Fame Induction to welcome the new class of sports legends then updated the website for the Louisiana Sports Writers Association. 

And I've felt a little lost and, well, guilty.

Aren't I supposed to be doing -- something? Grading papers? Planning lessons? Working? Looking for a job? 

"Lori, you're retired," says the Coach, who also is retired but apparently has no feelings about it one way or another.

But I don't feel retired. I feel ... anxious, unsettled, strange, and yes, lazy.

It's not easy to get into your head that your days of doing the daily grind of getting up, getting dressed, putting on eyebrows and going to work are truly over. Oh, he reminds me that I do still have to do something. The plan is to return to substitute teaching in the fall, but I'll still get to choose the days and, for the most part, the places I want to go. 

We also are planning to launch a podcast in the fall. I have been working on developing that. 

And just yesterday I was approached by a sports website to do some feature writing for them. 

So I'm not completely out of the game.

I guess I'm semi-retired. But try telling that to my work ethic, my brain, my soul. Remember the post I wrote after being laid off? I don't do nothing well. I still don't.

But today I saw a simple meme that put everything into perspective for me and changed my way of thinking. 

This is so true. And I needed to read it.

After all the years and all I've been through -- the fucked up childhood, the bullying, meandering through college, being the woman in the man's world, proving myself, being criticized for it, striving to be better, deadlines, mistakes, taking care of dogs, cats and a husband, doing everything possible to become a mom, so many heartbreaks, juggling motherhood and career, hurricanes, taking care of our elderly parents, trying to be everything for everyone, losing grandparents, parents, my brother, my sister, my job and my identity, then rebuilding, scraping up and scraping by, starting a whole new career and surviving a damn pandemic, I have finally come to the realization that ...

I'm not retired. I'm just tired. 

And it's OK to take time off.