Apparently global warming, Mother Nature, God, Allah, Buddah and the Wicked Witch of the West have all conspired against the United States, the East Coast, the gays, the candidates for president and New York City with this STORM OF THE CENTURY, which is really two storms that are expected to converge somewhere over the east coast.
And it's the end of the world as we know it.
All day long there have been these stories in my Facebook and Twitter feeds to help these hapless New Englanders prepare, both mentally and physically, for this STORM OF THE CENTURY.
"How to prepare for Sandy"
"How to help your child prepare for Sandy"
"How to entertain your children when the power goes out"
"What to expect when you're expecting the power to go out"
And I'm thinking, Where in the hell was all this crap two months ago when Hurricane Isaac was bearing down on the Louisiana coastline (where I happen to live)?
We got stories like, "Why do stupid people in Louisiana insist on living in Louisiana when they know a hurricane will flood their homes and kill them all eventually?" and "Send money to Louisiana? Again? Didn't we just send them some money last year?"
We didn't get any helpful hints from Good Morning America ("Turn your freezer to the coldest setting." "Have plenty of board games handy.")
We already know all that shit. WE, the good, brave, strong, resilient people of Louisiana already know what to do:
We know to go to Winn Dixie early and fill up our cars with gas early. Then fill them up again after we've driven all across town to try to find "C" batteries for that old boom box in the back of the closet so we can listen to the local weather man tell us when to HUNKER DOWN (and drink!).
We know that we need water and ice and bleach (but nobody knows what it's for) and batteries (see above) and non-perishables like bread and peanut butter and Deviled Ham and Oreos and Chitos and Doritos and Tostitos and Reese's peanut butter cups, because we all know that when hurricanes blow, so do our diets.
We know that we need to board up the windows because we learned in Hurricane Andrew that tape does absolutely no good, but you should leave a peep hole somewhere so you'll know when the neighbor's roof blows off and onto your house. And you'll know which neighbor.
We know that our kids will be a little scared, but mostly they'll be bored out of their minds without cable TV and Wifi and once their smart phones die, but absolutely thrilled that there's no school for a week. That's why we buy beer and wine (for us, not for them).
And we all know what to do when the power goes out. Find the flashlight. Find the "D" batteries for the flashlight. Discover that the flashlight needs "C" batteries. Remember that you couldn't find any "C" batteries, even though you used up a tank of gas trying to. Say 'Shit" a few times. Light some candles. Move them away from the curtains. Pop the wine. Pull out the Pictionary. Play Charades. Play Bourre. Eat the Little Debbies. Eat the Tostitos. Eat the Chitos. Eat the Oreos. Drink more wine.
... You get the picture...
And, we all know the first rule of hurricane survival if the power stays out for longer than an hour:
EAT THE ICE CREAM FIRST.
*Honestly. Having lived through the aftermath of Katrina, having ridden out Rita and Isaac, having evacuated for Gustave and Ike, I don't wish this on my worst enemy.It's not fun. And people's lives will never be the same. It's just somebody else's turn. May God bless you all. -- LL